Share Price:
The first way to make money on the stock market is an increase in share-price value. You purchase a stock at $10.00 per share and over the next fifteen years the price grows to $25.00 per share so the value of your holdings for this company have increased by $15.00 per share…minus any taxes of course. Sometimes stock prices get high and they split and then you own more shards. For example, you stock reaches $50.00 per share and then splits…so it is worth $25.00 per share again…only you have 100 shares instead of the original 50 you owned.
Dividends:
Dividends are income paid out on stocks owned…usually quarterly.
Long term growth:
Are you willing or able to hold onto your shares in the long term? Right now, actually a few months ago would have been better…stocks were at outlet prices…if you did your research and were ready to ride out the inevitable storms and volatility. You win. Don’t be too concerned with the day to day ups and downs…ride it out with the future in mind.
The company itself:
Check out how much the company is worth. Not what they say it is worth but how much it would cost if you purchased all of the stock…the company’s market cap. This is an important distinction. On paper General Motors was worth a lot more than say e-bay…but if you owned e-bay stock.
Companies to look for:
Those researching alternative energy. Research public companies, or ones about to go public, that are producing or researching alternative energy. Environmentally friendly companies that are profitable. Companies that sell high quality goods at low prices – think Wal-mart. Companies that manufacture staples or candy: Things you always need and are recession proof. We’ve owned Wal-Mart and Tootsie for years and I wouldn’t sell them. They are great performers.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Dow Jones Industrial Average
The Dow Jones Industrial Average also referred to as the Industrial Average, the Dow Jones, the Dow 30, or simply as the Dow; is one of several stock market indices, created by Wall Street Journal editor and Dow Jones & Company co-founder Charles Dow. The average is named after Dow and one of his business associates, a statistician, Edward Jones. It is an index that shows how certain large, publicly-owned companies have traded during a standard trading session in the stock market.
Dow compiled the index to gauge the performance of the industrial sector within the American economy. However, the performance of the Dow continues to be influenced by not only corporate and economic reports, but also by domestic and foreign political events such as war and terrorism, as well as by natural disasters that could potentially lead to economic harm. It is the second oldest U.S. market index after the Dow Jones Transportation Average, which Dow also created. The average is computed from the Dow Jones Indexes by the stock prices of 30 of the largest and most widely held public companies in the United States. The Industrial portion of the name is largely historical, as many of the modern 30 components have little or nothing to do with traditional heavy industry. The average is price-weighted, and to compensate for the effects of stock splits and other adjustments, it is currently a scaled average. The value of the Dow is not the actual average of the prices of its component stocks, but rather the sum of the component prices divided by a divisor, which changes whenever one of the component stocks has a stock split or stock dividend, so as to generate a consistent value for the index.
Along with the NASDAQ Composite, the S&P 500 Index, and the Russell 2000 Index, the Dow is among the most closely-watched benchmark indices tracking targeted stock market activity. Components of the Dow trade on both the NASDAQ OMX and the NYSE Euronext, two of the largest stock market companies. Derivatives of the Dow trade on the Chicago Board Options Exchange and through the CME Group, the world's largest futures exchange company.
Dow compiled the index to gauge the performance of the industrial sector within the American economy. However, the performance of the Dow continues to be influenced by not only corporate and economic reports, but also by domestic and foreign political events such as war and terrorism, as well as by natural disasters that could potentially lead to economic harm. It is the second oldest U.S. market index after the Dow Jones Transportation Average, which Dow also created. The average is computed from the Dow Jones Indexes by the stock prices of 30 of the largest and most widely held public companies in the United States. The Industrial portion of the name is largely historical, as many of the modern 30 components have little or nothing to do with traditional heavy industry. The average is price-weighted, and to compensate for the effects of stock splits and other adjustments, it is currently a scaled average. The value of the Dow is not the actual average of the prices of its component stocks, but rather the sum of the component prices divided by a divisor, which changes whenever one of the component stocks has a stock split or stock dividend, so as to generate a consistent value for the index.
Along with the NASDAQ Composite, the S&P 500 Index, and the Russell 2000 Index, the Dow is among the most closely-watched benchmark indices tracking targeted stock market activity. Components of the Dow trade on both the NASDAQ OMX and the NYSE Euronext, two of the largest stock market companies. Derivatives of the Dow trade on the Chicago Board Options Exchange and through the CME Group, the world's largest futures exchange company.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
U.S. Stock-Index Futures Fluctuate on Oil, Metals; Alcoa Gains
By Rita Nazareth
Oct. 7 (Bloomberg) -- U.S. stock-index futures swung between gains and losses after oil and metal prices retreated from their highest levels of the day as the dollar rebounded, overshadowing optimism Alcoa Inc.’s quarterly report will help extend a seven-month equity rally.
Exxon Mobil Corp. and ConocoPhillips fell as crude’s gain was reduced by two-thirds. Alcoa, the largest U.S. aluminum company, gained 2.2 percent. Monsanto Co., the world’s biggest seed producer, rallied 4.1 percent after beating profit estimates. Yum! Brands Inc., the owner of the Taco Bell and KFC restaurant chains, increased 1.2 percent after lifting its earnings forecast for the year.
Standard & Poor’s 500 Index futures expiring in December climbed 0.1 percent to 1,049.40 at 8:36 a.m. in New York, after rallying as much as 0.6 percent earlier. Dow Jones Industrial Average futures gained 12 points, or 0.1 percent, to 9,666. Stock futures pared gains as the dollar rose, driving down commodity prices including oil.
“A combination of revenue growth plus companies exceeding margins is going to help lift stocks over the next several weeks,” Jeffrey Kleintop, who helps oversee about $247 billion as chief market strategist at LPL Financial in Boston, told Bloomberg Radio. “We could maybe even see 1,125 on the S&P 500 by year-end.”
Alcoa begins the third-quarter earnings season that analysts estimate will mark the ninth straight period of declining profits. Still, for the second quarter, 72.3 percent of S&P 500 companies surpassed the average analyst estimate for earnings, matching the highest proportion in Bloomberg data going back to 1993.
Yesterday’s Rally
U.S. stocks rose yesterday, extending a worldwide rally, on speculation third-quarter earnings will top estimates and growing conviction the global economy is improving. The S&P 500 surged 32 percent in the last two quarters amid expectations the worst of a global recession is over. Worse-than-forecast data on manufacturing and jobs last week spurred concern the rally may have outpaced the prospects for earnings growth.
Citigroup Inc. strategists said they “target” 20 percent gains in global equities by the end of 2011. “This is the period towards the end of most global recessions when equity prices rise sharply even though earnings are still falling,” strategists including Robert Buckland wrote in a report. “An aggressive pro-cyclical strategy works best.”
Exxon fell 0.1 percent to $68.61 while ConocoPhillips slumped 0.4 percent to $48.21. Crude oil added 0.4 percent to $71.13 a barrel in New York, paring a gain of 1.2 percent as the U.S. Dollar Index reversed a decline and rose 0.2 percent.
Alcoa Advances
Alcoa rallied 2.2 percent to $14.19. The aluminum producer is forecast to report a loss excluding some items of 9 cents a share, the average estimate of 16 analysts in a Bloomberg survey. The New York-based company earned 37 cents a share on the same basis a year earlier.
Monsanto gained 4.1 percent to $78.73. The world’s biggest seed producer reported fourth-quarter ongoing profit of 2 cents a share. Analysts estimated 1 cent.
Yum! Brands Inc. rose 1.2 percent to $35.28. The owner of the Taco Bell and KFC restaurant chains raised its full-year earnings forecast and posted third-quarter profit that advanced more than analysts estimated.
General Electric Co. and Intel Corp. are among the 42 S&P 500 companies that will release results in the next two weeks. Analysts’ estimates compiled by Bloomberg predict companies will report a ninth straight quarter of declining profits before returning to growth in the final three months of the year.
“Earnings overall will be above expectations, and we will see positive surprises as a result of the economic recovery,” said Urs Eilinger, Zurich-based chief investment officer at Infidar Investment Advisory Ltd., which manages about $3.2 billion. “More people are moving money from cash back to the market. Gold is in an upward trend. We will see equity markets and commodity prices continue to run parallel.”
Oct. 7 (Bloomberg) -- U.S. stock-index futures swung between gains and losses after oil and metal prices retreated from their highest levels of the day as the dollar rebounded, overshadowing optimism Alcoa Inc.’s quarterly report will help extend a seven-month equity rally.
Exxon Mobil Corp. and ConocoPhillips fell as crude’s gain was reduced by two-thirds. Alcoa, the largest U.S. aluminum company, gained 2.2 percent. Monsanto Co., the world’s biggest seed producer, rallied 4.1 percent after beating profit estimates. Yum! Brands Inc., the owner of the Taco Bell and KFC restaurant chains, increased 1.2 percent after lifting its earnings forecast for the year.
Standard & Poor’s 500 Index futures expiring in December climbed 0.1 percent to 1,049.40 at 8:36 a.m. in New York, after rallying as much as 0.6 percent earlier. Dow Jones Industrial Average futures gained 12 points, or 0.1 percent, to 9,666. Stock futures pared gains as the dollar rose, driving down commodity prices including oil.
“A combination of revenue growth plus companies exceeding margins is going to help lift stocks over the next several weeks,” Jeffrey Kleintop, who helps oversee about $247 billion as chief market strategist at LPL Financial in Boston, told Bloomberg Radio. “We could maybe even see 1,125 on the S&P 500 by year-end.”
Alcoa begins the third-quarter earnings season that analysts estimate will mark the ninth straight period of declining profits. Still, for the second quarter, 72.3 percent of S&P 500 companies surpassed the average analyst estimate for earnings, matching the highest proportion in Bloomberg data going back to 1993.
Yesterday’s Rally
U.S. stocks rose yesterday, extending a worldwide rally, on speculation third-quarter earnings will top estimates and growing conviction the global economy is improving. The S&P 500 surged 32 percent in the last two quarters amid expectations the worst of a global recession is over. Worse-than-forecast data on manufacturing and jobs last week spurred concern the rally may have outpaced the prospects for earnings growth.
Citigroup Inc. strategists said they “target” 20 percent gains in global equities by the end of 2011. “This is the period towards the end of most global recessions when equity prices rise sharply even though earnings are still falling,” strategists including Robert Buckland wrote in a report. “An aggressive pro-cyclical strategy works best.”
Exxon fell 0.1 percent to $68.61 while ConocoPhillips slumped 0.4 percent to $48.21. Crude oil added 0.4 percent to $71.13 a barrel in New York, paring a gain of 1.2 percent as the U.S. Dollar Index reversed a decline and rose 0.2 percent.
Alcoa Advances
Alcoa rallied 2.2 percent to $14.19. The aluminum producer is forecast to report a loss excluding some items of 9 cents a share, the average estimate of 16 analysts in a Bloomberg survey. The New York-based company earned 37 cents a share on the same basis a year earlier.
Monsanto gained 4.1 percent to $78.73. The world’s biggest seed producer reported fourth-quarter ongoing profit of 2 cents a share. Analysts estimated 1 cent.
Yum! Brands Inc. rose 1.2 percent to $35.28. The owner of the Taco Bell and KFC restaurant chains raised its full-year earnings forecast and posted third-quarter profit that advanced more than analysts estimated.
General Electric Co. and Intel Corp. are among the 42 S&P 500 companies that will release results in the next two weeks. Analysts’ estimates compiled by Bloomberg predict companies will report a ninth straight quarter of declining profits before returning to growth in the final three months of the year.
“Earnings overall will be above expectations, and we will see positive surprises as a result of the economic recovery,” said Urs Eilinger, Zurich-based chief investment officer at Infidar Investment Advisory Ltd., which manages about $3.2 billion. “More people are moving money from cash back to the market. Gold is in an upward trend. We will see equity markets and commodity prices continue to run parallel.”
Monday, October 5, 2009
遇上辨才無礙的學生我無話可說
某日，我上課，一學生睡覺被我叫起來，他死活不承認自己睡覺了。
我當時很生氣，就問他：你沒睡覺幹什麼把眼睛閉上？
學生回答：我在思考老師說的每一句話。
我又問：那你幹什麼總是在點頭？
學生：因為我覺得您講的好啊。
我不甘心放過他，就又問他：那你怎麽流口水了？
那學生理直氣壯的回答：老師，你的課講的很有味道呀！
我無話可說-_-
我當時很生氣，就問他：你沒睡覺幹什麼把眼睛閉上？
學生回答：我在思考老師說的每一句話。
我又問：那你幹什麼總是在點頭？
學生：因為我覺得您講的好啊。
我不甘心放過他，就又問他：那你怎麽流口水了？
那學生理直氣壯的回答：老師，你的課講的很有味道呀！
我無話可說-_-
最强英语作文
甲老师在批改英语作文，忽然大发雷霆：“我从来没看过这么烂的英语作文”
乙老师见状问：“写的是什么啊？”
甲老师：“写一个王子和公主的故事。”
“不错啊”乙说。
“他竟然在开头写王子问公主‘can you speak Chinese?'
公主回答‘yes',
接下来的全部都是中文！”
乙老师见状问：“写的是什么啊？”
甲老师：“写一个王子和公主的故事。”
“不错啊”乙说。
“他竟然在开头写王子问公主‘can you speak Chinese?'
公主回答‘yes',
接下来的全部都是中文！”
Sunday, October 4, 2009
当今最搞笑的笑话
1. 抢匪：快把保险箱密码说出来！女职员：杀了我也不说！就算糟蹋我我也不说！抢匪上下打量她后：你想得美！
2. 阿呆做体检，护士叫他去验尿验大便。结果去了很久，护士奇怪：你到底会不会验啊？阿呆：尿我已经咽下去了，只是大便有点困难。
3. 和朋友到泰山顶看日出，一个朋友指着天空说：“我看见了！”“我也看见了！”这时远处有人提着裤子出来骂道：“看见就看见呗！你们嚷什么啊！”
4. 当初我降临人世时，上帝许诺要把他最美丽的女儿嫁给我。我左右顾盼上下求索，等了21年，于是跑去问上帝。上帝说：“你急什么？我都还没女朋友呢！”
5. 乐乐：妈妈，我是怎么长大的？妈妈觉得教育的机会来了，就说：是妈妈一把屎一把尿喂大的。 乐乐大哭：你怎么给我吃那些呀？呜！
6. 某晚，一裸男叫了一辆出租车，女司机目不转睛盯着看他，裸男大怒，吼道：你他妈没见过裸男呀！女司机也大怒：我看你他妈从哪儿掏钱！
7. “听说昨天你和老婆闹别扭了，怎么收场的？”“当然是她跪下求我！”“不会吧！她怎么求你的？”“她说:‘我不打你了，快从床底下出来吧！’”
8. 八戒偷看蜘蛛精洗澡，想看全裸求唐僧帮忙。唐僧喊：小心啊！打雷喽！下雨收衣服啊！蜘蛛精奔上岸来，八戒晕倒：师父，I服了YOU。
9. 一对苍蝇母子正在吃饭，儿子皱着眉头问母亲：“妈妈，我们为什么要每天站在大便上，大便好脏啊！”妈妈说：“不要在吃饭的时候说那么不卫生的事！”
10. 认识你至今,你在我心中的地位,你应该很清楚,除了你之外,其他人在我眼中根本是一堆屎,可是你不一样,因为你........是两堆.
11. 泼水节上，有一人突然大骂：妈的谁泼我？人劝：泼你是祝福你。骂者：少来这套，哪个白痴用开水泼我！
12. 与你偶遇我不知所措,含情的眼睛我无法回避,我知你心,拼命跑,你却紧相随.我哭喊:谁家的狗没人管了?
13. 在友谊的路上,有时你看不到我,不是我把你遗忘,更不是让你一个人走,是我选择走在你身后,当你摔倒时我就赶紧跑过去.嘿嘿.我踩!我踩!我踩踩踩!!
2. 阿呆做体检，护士叫他去验尿验大便。结果去了很久，护士奇怪：你到底会不会验啊？阿呆：尿我已经咽下去了，只是大便有点困难。
3. 和朋友到泰山顶看日出，一个朋友指着天空说：“我看见了！”“我也看见了！”这时远处有人提着裤子出来骂道：“看见就看见呗！你们嚷什么啊！”
4. 当初我降临人世时，上帝许诺要把他最美丽的女儿嫁给我。我左右顾盼上下求索，等了21年，于是跑去问上帝。上帝说：“你急什么？我都还没女朋友呢！”
5. 乐乐：妈妈，我是怎么长大的？妈妈觉得教育的机会来了，就说：是妈妈一把屎一把尿喂大的。 乐乐大哭：你怎么给我吃那些呀？呜！
6. 某晚，一裸男叫了一辆出租车，女司机目不转睛盯着看他，裸男大怒，吼道：你他妈没见过裸男呀！女司机也大怒：我看你他妈从哪儿掏钱！
7. “听说昨天你和老婆闹别扭了，怎么收场的？”“当然是她跪下求我！”“不会吧！她怎么求你的？”“她说:‘我不打你了，快从床底下出来吧！’”
8. 八戒偷看蜘蛛精洗澡，想看全裸求唐僧帮忙。唐僧喊：小心啊！打雷喽！下雨收衣服啊！蜘蛛精奔上岸来，八戒晕倒：师父，I服了YOU。
9. 一对苍蝇母子正在吃饭，儿子皱着眉头问母亲：“妈妈，我们为什么要每天站在大便上，大便好脏啊！”妈妈说：“不要在吃饭的时候说那么不卫生的事！”
10. 认识你至今,你在我心中的地位,你应该很清楚,除了你之外,其他人在我眼中根本是一堆屎,可是你不一样,因为你........是两堆.
11. 泼水节上，有一人突然大骂：妈的谁泼我？人劝：泼你是祝福你。骂者：少来这套，哪个白痴用开水泼我！
12. 与你偶遇我不知所措,含情的眼睛我无法回避,我知你心,拼命跑,你却紧相随.我哭喊:谁家的狗没人管了?
13. 在友谊的路上,有时你看不到我,不是我把你遗忘,更不是让你一个人走,是我选择走在你身后,当你摔倒时我就赶紧跑过去.嘿嘿.我踩!我踩!我踩踩踩!!
环球小姐最后一题
环球小姐最后一题
问：美国小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
美国小姐：美国的男性器官象绅士。
问：为什么呢？
美国小姐：因为只要一看到女士，他们就会起立……
（鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：西班牙小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
西班牙小姐：西班牙的男性器官象斗牛。
问：为什么呢？
西班牙小姐：因为只要看到有洞就会出击。
（鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：菲律宾小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
菲律宾小姐：菲律宾的男性器官象流言。
问：为什么呢？
菲律宾小姐：因为它从一张嘴里传到另一张嘴里。
（鼓掌、鼓掌，起立喝采，鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：伊朗小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
伊朗小姐：伊朗的男性器官象贼。
问：为什么呢？
伊朗小姐：因为他们总爱走后门。
（鼓掌、鼓掌，大笑、大笑，鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：印度小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
印度小姐：印度的男性器官象劳力。
问：为什么呢？
印度小姐：因为日夜劳“做”。
（鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：马来西亚小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
马来西亚小姐：马来西亚的男性器官象Proton 牌轿车（马来西亚国产车)。
问：为什么呢？
马来西亚小姐：看起来很硬（造型类似HONDA)其实很软（一撞就变形)。
（鼓掌、鼓掌，大笑、大笑，鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：新加坡小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
新加坡小姐：新加坡的男性器官很怕输。
问：为什么呢？
新加坡小姐：总是冲进场，提前15分钟出场。
（鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：中国小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
中国小姐：中国的男性器官象航天飞机。
问：为什么呢？
中国小姐：虽然不大，但几分钟内就可以把你送上云端……
问：美国小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
美国小姐：美国的男性器官象绅士。
问：为什么呢？
美国小姐：因为只要一看到女士，他们就会起立……
（鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：西班牙小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
西班牙小姐：西班牙的男性器官象斗牛。
问：为什么呢？
西班牙小姐：因为只要看到有洞就会出击。
（鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：菲律宾小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
菲律宾小姐：菲律宾的男性器官象流言。
问：为什么呢？
菲律宾小姐：因为它从一张嘴里传到另一张嘴里。
（鼓掌、鼓掌，起立喝采，鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：伊朗小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
伊朗小姐：伊朗的男性器官象贼。
问：为什么呢？
伊朗小姐：因为他们总爱走后门。
（鼓掌、鼓掌，大笑、大笑，鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：印度小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
印度小姐：印度的男性器官象劳力。
问：为什么呢？
印度小姐：因为日夜劳“做”。
（鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：马来西亚小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
马来西亚小姐：马来西亚的男性器官象Proton 牌轿车（马来西亚国产车)。
问：为什么呢？
马来西亚小姐：看起来很硬（造型类似HONDA)其实很软（一撞就变形)。
（鼓掌、鼓掌，大笑、大笑，鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：新加坡小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
新加坡小姐：新加坡的男性器官很怕输。
问：为什么呢？
新加坡小姐：总是冲进场，提前15分钟出场。
（鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌、鼓掌)
问：中国小姐，请形容贵国男性的性器官。
中国小姐：中国的男性器官象航天飞机。
问：为什么呢？
中国小姐：虽然不大，但几分钟内就可以把你送上云端……
爆笑的小学生作文
今天是愚人节
4月1号,正赶上考试,老师发现一个学生在传纸条，就要他把纸条交上去。
师：把纸条拿来。
生：老师，我劝你还是不要看比较好。
师：少废话！我就是要看，快把纸条拿来。
学生把纸条拿给老师，老师打开纸条，上面写着：“我叫你別看吧，笨蛋！”
今天是愚人节
4月1号,正赶上考试,老师发现一个学生在传纸条，就要他把纸条交上去。
师：把纸条拿来。
生：老师，我劝你还是不要看比较好。
师：少废话！我就是要看，快把纸条拿来。
学生把纸条拿给老师，老师打开纸条，上面写着：“我叫你別看吧，笨蛋！”
西瓜请假
明天考察团要到小学来观摩教学，老师正在为一节自然示范课作准备。
“明天，考察团要来参观，为了给班集体争光，给学校争光，大家一定要认真听讲，积极思考，全力配合！明天，我会问：‘人们常吃的水果都有哪些？’你们就踊跃回答。下面，我来布置一下：‘你说苹果，你说葡萄，你说草莓，你说香蕉，你说西瓜，你说荔枝……’”
第二天，考察团来到了学校，观摩活动有序进行，最后终于到了这节自然示范课。“人们常吃的水果都有哪些？”老师问道。
“苹果！“葡萄！”“草莓！”“香蕉！”(短暂的冷场)“老师，西瓜请假没来，还继续说吗？”
作文《三十年后的我》
作文老师在五年级的班上上作文课，指定一个作文题《三十年后的我》。
班上的一位女生小美写道：今天的天气不错，我开着老公结婚周年送我的劳斯莱斯，手指上戴着他刚买给我的三克拉大钻戒，脖子上也挂着上个月生日才送我的红宝石项链，带着我的小孩到大森林公园去玩。我们倘佯在花团锦簇的园区里，到处都是人们羡慕的眼光。突然，路上冲出一个浑身恶臭、满脸污秽、无家可归的老太太，我仔细一瞧，“天啊！她竟然是我小学五年级的作文老师！”
老师评语 ：这一个星期你只能站着上课！
4月1号,正赶上考试,老师发现一个学生在传纸条，就要他把纸条交上去。
师：把纸条拿来。
生：老师，我劝你还是不要看比较好。
师：少废话！我就是要看，快把纸条拿来。
学生把纸条拿给老师，老师打开纸条，上面写着：“我叫你別看吧，笨蛋！”
今天是愚人节
4月1号,正赶上考试,老师发现一个学生在传纸条，就要他把纸条交上去。
师：把纸条拿来。
生：老师，我劝你还是不要看比较好。
师：少废话！我就是要看，快把纸条拿来。
学生把纸条拿给老师，老师打开纸条，上面写着：“我叫你別看吧，笨蛋！”
西瓜请假
明天考察团要到小学来观摩教学，老师正在为一节自然示范课作准备。
“明天，考察团要来参观，为了给班集体争光，给学校争光，大家一定要认真听讲，积极思考，全力配合！明天，我会问：‘人们常吃的水果都有哪些？’你们就踊跃回答。下面，我来布置一下：‘你说苹果，你说葡萄，你说草莓，你说香蕉，你说西瓜，你说荔枝……’”
第二天，考察团来到了学校，观摩活动有序进行，最后终于到了这节自然示范课。“人们常吃的水果都有哪些？”老师问道。
“苹果！“葡萄！”“草莓！”“香蕉！”(短暂的冷场)“老师，西瓜请假没来，还继续说吗？”
作文《三十年后的我》
作文老师在五年级的班上上作文课，指定一个作文题《三十年后的我》。
班上的一位女生小美写道：今天的天气不错，我开着老公结婚周年送我的劳斯莱斯，手指上戴着他刚买给我的三克拉大钻戒，脖子上也挂着上个月生日才送我的红宝石项链，带着我的小孩到大森林公园去玩。我们倘佯在花团锦簇的园区里，到处都是人们羡慕的眼光。突然，路上冲出一个浑身恶臭、满脸污秽、无家可归的老太太，我仔细一瞧，“天啊！她竟然是我小学五年级的作文老师！”
老师评语 ：这一个星期你只能站着上课！
Saturday, October 3, 2009
人奶(看完不要倒地哦~)
有一位男士住在一個小村莊中。有一天，他很不幸的患了一種奇怪的胃病。 這種胃病需要用人奶來治療的，可是在這個村莊中人都已經很少了，何況是擁有母乳的女人呢。還有，誰會願意讓一個不認識的大男人趴在胸前食人奶呢。
可是，皇天不負苦心人，這個男人終於找到一個剛生產完的女子，而這個女子也願意幫助他治療疾病。但是他必須以金錢作為回報，因為這個女子被他的丈夫棄之不 顧，而又需要金錢撫養孩子，而這個男子也因為病情日益惡化，就同意支付一筆龐大的金額作為回報。
第一天，這個男子笨拙又害羞的趴在女子的胸前吸著人奶。
數週後，他也漸漸習慣了。
有一天，這個女子被吸的感到慾火焚身，她再也按耐不住了，就以勾引的語氣對男 子說： 「你還想做其他的事嗎？」
男子停下說： 『你終於問我了...........................
其實我已經想很久了......................
我.......................................
可以.....................................
..............配一塊OREO餅乾吃嗎？？？？』
可是，皇天不負苦心人，這個男人終於找到一個剛生產完的女子，而這個女子也願意幫助他治療疾病。但是他必須以金錢作為回報，因為這個女子被他的丈夫棄之不 顧，而又需要金錢撫養孩子，而這個男子也因為病情日益惡化，就同意支付一筆龐大的金額作為回報。
第一天，這個男子笨拙又害羞的趴在女子的胸前吸著人奶。
數週後，他也漸漸習慣了。
有一天，這個女子被吸的感到慾火焚身，她再也按耐不住了，就以勾引的語氣對男 子說： 「你還想做其他的事嗎？」
男子停下說： 『你終於問我了...........................
其實我已經想很久了......................
我.......................................
可以.....................................
..............配一塊OREO餅乾吃嗎？？？？』
Friday, October 2, 2009
漫天开价
先来看看关系表：
C小姐是S商人的前女友K小姐的朋友S商人继承父业，
除了自家的T字号水晶店，近日在某处也开了多一家A字号水晶店！
话说有一天，C小姐到S商人的新店A字号水晶店买了一条月光石，开价RM500，S商人信誓旦旦地说在其他地方绝对找不到这样的价钱，很值得的！
买了那条月光石，C小姐就想说到S商人的老店T字号水晶店看看。
这么巧合，C小姐看到了同样货源的月光石，就向T字号水晶店的老板娘（S商人的母亲）询问价钱。结果，老板娘开价，RM300！
dai ji dua diao了！同一间店，只是总行和分行，而且还在同一个地区的，更离谱的是还是两母子，竟然可以开出这样一个差天差地的价钱！
C小姐觉得很不公平，也因为认识S商人，所以就马上到S商人的A字号水晶店询问。
这么刚巧，S商人有顾客在店里，善良的C小姐也不是要把事情弄大，也就等顾客走了才告诉S商人。只是想要提点S商人，生意不是这样做的！
最后的结果如何呢？S商人把钱退回给C小姐，但是一句对不起都没有说！而且在她们临走前还丢了一句：“以后买东西要看好好！”。
开价不能看人开，而是要看良心开！也许你今天多赚了那几百块，但是日后别人发现你不老实的生意手段后，你一定会失去更多更多的。
C小姐是S商人的前女友K小姐的朋友S商人继承父业，
除了自家的T字号水晶店，近日在某处也开了多一家A字号水晶店！
话说有一天，C小姐到S商人的新店A字号水晶店买了一条月光石，开价RM500，S商人信誓旦旦地说在其他地方绝对找不到这样的价钱，很值得的！
买了那条月光石，C小姐就想说到S商人的老店T字号水晶店看看。
这么巧合，C小姐看到了同样货源的月光石，就向T字号水晶店的老板娘（S商人的母亲）询问价钱。结果，老板娘开价，RM300！
dai ji dua diao了！同一间店，只是总行和分行，而且还在同一个地区的，更离谱的是还是两母子，竟然可以开出这样一个差天差地的价钱！
C小姐觉得很不公平，也因为认识S商人，所以就马上到S商人的A字号水晶店询问。
这么刚巧，S商人有顾客在店里，善良的C小姐也不是要把事情弄大，也就等顾客走了才告诉S商人。只是想要提点S商人，生意不是这样做的！
最后的结果如何呢？S商人把钱退回给C小姐，但是一句对不起都没有说！而且在她们临走前还丢了一句：“以后买东西要看好好！”。
开价不能看人开，而是要看良心开！也许你今天多赚了那几百块，但是日后别人发现你不老实的生意手段后，你一定会失去更多更多的。
Thursday, October 1, 2009
網上應付詐騙電話招式：
昨天接到一個不認識的電話，不像本土口音，上來就直呼我的名字。
“王總！”
“你是誰呀？”
“你的老朋友啊”
“誰呀？”
“台東的老朋友啦，連我的聲音你都聽不出來了？”
“你是？”
“哎呀，王總你貴人多忘事啊”
我是真的被問住了，想不起來這個聲音，又寒暄了半天，對方就是不說自己的名字，最后我不耐煩了，“你不說就算了”我就把電話掛了。后來想想有點不對勁，可能是騙子，如果我把對方的聲音認做某個老朋友，對方就會想辦法講故事騙錢了。我就按照剛才顯示的號碼把電話撥回去了。
我說︰“你是台東的張ＸＸ吧”
“對呀對呀對呀，看看，我說你貴人多忘事，連我的聲音都聽不出來了。”
“對不起啊，ＸＸ，我還以為誰和我開玩笑吶”
“王總啊，我準備去台北出差，順便請你吃飯……”
我問︰“ＸＸ，你母親的癌症怎么樣了”
對方呆了一下︰“喔……還是老樣子”
“唉，得了這病也沒辦法，你爸車禍的案子結了嗎？”
“喔……差不多了。”
“行啊，人都走了，賠不賠的也別太在意了。”
“嗯……”
我又問︰“強姦你老婆的流氓逮到了沒啊？”
“逮到了，逮到了”
我又問“你兒子沒屁眼的手術做了沒啊？”
對方沉默了10秒鐘，沒說出話來，把電話掛了……
“王總！”
“你是誰呀？”
“你的老朋友啊”
“誰呀？”
“台東的老朋友啦，連我的聲音你都聽不出來了？”
“你是？”
“哎呀，王總你貴人多忘事啊”
我是真的被問住了，想不起來這個聲音，又寒暄了半天，對方就是不說自己的名字，最后我不耐煩了，“你不說就算了”我就把電話掛了。后來想想有點不對勁，可能是騙子，如果我把對方的聲音認做某個老朋友，對方就會想辦法講故事騙錢了。我就按照剛才顯示的號碼把電話撥回去了。
我說︰“你是台東的張ＸＸ吧”
“對呀對呀對呀，看看，我說你貴人多忘事，連我的聲音都聽不出來了。”
“對不起啊，ＸＸ，我還以為誰和我開玩笑吶”
“王總啊，我準備去台北出差，順便請你吃飯……”
我問︰“ＸＸ，你母親的癌症怎么樣了”
對方呆了一下︰“喔……還是老樣子”
“唉，得了這病也沒辦法，你爸車禍的案子結了嗎？”
“喔……差不多了。”
“行啊，人都走了，賠不賠的也別太在意了。”
“嗯……”
我又問︰“強姦你老婆的流氓逮到了沒啊？”
“逮到了，逮到了”
我又問“你兒子沒屁眼的手術做了沒啊？”
對方沉默了10秒鐘，沒說出話來，把電話掛了……
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